Needing

This one of those moments when you finally admit to yourself and to the whole world that you are TIRED.

"Pagod na pagod na ko."

I even doubt if that's the right word.

"Sawang-sawa na ko."

Like what I always tell myself tiredness is a normal word. It can be rejuvenated by sleep and relaxation but exhaustion and fed up is a galaxy away from it.

I don't know really, I just can't find convincing reasons to continue all of this. I'm in dire need of a direction.

I don't want to say this because it sounds too mushy, I NEED TO LOVE AGAIN. The kind of love that is not limited to relstionships. I want to love the things that I do, the places I am in. I wan't to feel that surge of ecstacy and probably anxiety AGAIN.

"Tao din naman ako."

Unloved

There were moments when the "if's" in your life and the other unsatisfied questions of your being just suddenlly fall on you. Like avalanche, it sweeps you with its enourmous impact blacking out all of your rationality and the structures of your identity. This time the comrpromise of ego is no use, it is id's reigning moment and superego's downfall. With nothing you struggle to face all of these one by one, blow by blow.

What did you gain after all those sacrifices?
Pain & pain. Sometimes recognition becomes a consolation but sadly not from the people you wanted.

Are you finally happy?
I'm not. I believe its my destiny and choice not to be. The truth is I don't know how to be happy and I am frquently wandering where it is found.

Why don't you have a significant other?
NEXT PLEASE. Honestly I wantED to. But unfortunately he cannot love me back. Maybe the other one did but he's too draining for me. I am open to possibilties but right now I don't really think it is possible with all the academic commitments that I have. Another thing is that, I'm quite ideal about how things should be and without satisfying that I may be unwilling to enter a relationship.

Do you still even know how to love?
I would honestly admit that I have quite forgotten HOW to love someone else. Maybe its just a phase in life when you get jaded on this specially when it doesn't work out the way you wanted. I'm still clinging to my optimism that someday I will and someone might also (mistakenly and stupidly) fall for me.

What made you like this?
Like what? This is the type of question that doesn't necessarily ends with an answer but rather it attracts more questions to follow. I don't reallt think I'm capable of answering that question right now.

Where are you REALLY going?
OUT THERE. Don't ask me please I'm definitely uncertain about it.

Earplugs and Eyebags

My armor for sleep

far away

I can't clearly picture that less than a year from now I'm actually graduating. That wether I like it or not I'll be thrown into the "real world". A world without my clinical instructors and professors who has given me the lessons, hardships, eyebags, self confidence and doubt. I will be finally relived from overnight case presentations, surprised quizzes, nerve wracking practicals and terrible pseudo finals/ NCLEX exams.

There in an inevitable fact that next year I might (fortunately) have the license to kill or cure or take care of somebody. The thing is, those facts still hasn't dawn into me, until now (somehow). I'm uncertain of what will happen to me without them. I unconsciously attached my self to the four walls of school, enjoyed the hand sanitizer of st. lukes and endured (and understood) the smell and condition of the government hospitals. My comfort has already grown its deep roots within those places and taking it out without the possibility of killing of a part of me is impossible.

I might be just getting too paranoid. Its still a bit far away. For now I still have to review for my finals, continue my thesis and prepare for the boards. But I can't help thinking about it. :)